Dziennik Annisworkingonit, 12 sie 24

Good morning FS friends

Goal 12 met. Think it might be a transient number as at this point in the game I shouldn't be losing 2+ lbs in the space of a week. Goes to show you that stress has a very real physical impact. Once upon a time it would have been a weight gain though, so yay. Coping mechanisms now lean towards physical activity vs shoving junk in my face.

So the memorial is done. It went well. Despite the stress and frenzy of pulling it together mostly alone at the last minute, all that I had wanted to happen, happened. The piper, the minister, emcee, music, eulogies, slideshows, program card, obituary, memorial table, processional and food was as it should be. Thankfully, by taking the bull by the horns and just doing what needed to be done, it worked. Frazzled is an understatement. I was blessed too in that one of my oldest friends came Friday noon to support me, and she most certainly did so in a big way, from picking up the Costco platters order, cooking dinner and breakfast for the son and family that stayed. And of course, keeping me from losing my nut as the calm voice of reason.

And yes, I lost my nut on Friday night. Found out that John's ex wife and mother of his sons from the 80's who booted him out when she took up with another man, was coming with two of the sons. This woman made his life a living hell, denying him access to his sons at will when they were young. Forever spending support payments on bingo or in the bars instead of on housing and the boys. The damage and pain that she has caused her sons and John over the years is vast. Mental illness is a horrible thing, and hers caused, and continues to wreak havoc. My friend pointed out that the sons needed support, and it was only right that if they needed their mom, so be it. Point taken. My view based on first hand accounts from the sons and John though, she might be their mother, but with very limited, functioning maternal instincts. I was concerned that she'd create a scene at the service (that would be her MO) and I remain protective of John even in death. Seems I haven't fully internalised that he is gone and no longer needs my protection.

John would have been proud of me. I greeted and hugged and expressed my condolences to everybody including her. For starters, nobody recognised me. They had only ever met the much larger, quite different looking Ann. Since moving to the Niagara region, I had no physical interactions with them. Without exception, from the sisters and their adult kids, I got the blank stares and was asked "who are you"? The ex who in past would often call our home in a drunken state and start heaping abuse on both of us (towards me she'd be screaming fat cow, fat pig...at one of her sons weddings she was punching me in the arm - wtf?. When the ex came in on Saturday, she too got my condolences and a firm hug. I suspect the approach might have tempered any drama she might have wanted to introduce. Whew. (also a bit of a ha ha from my inner voice..can't weight shame me anymore)

So I took it one step further. Invited all of them back to the house after the meal to sign the memorial wall and visit the spot where John died. It is hallowed ground after all, has been blessed by one of my indiginous neighbours. John's blood will forever be part of the soil here. Once the bulk of John's ashes are spread in the Atlantic Ocean, there is nowhere for them to go to pay their respects. Should they have the want or need to do so, there will always be a place to honor him. Do I think they ever will? Nah. But there is a place should they have the need.

Yesterday was an extraordinarily hard day. My friend had left after the service on Saturay, and John's youngest son, his family and John's urn left yesterday afternoon. That urn had become my daily touchstone. The last physical, tangible bit of John. It was now gone. The house was so empty, and I was at a loss as to what to do. The pain was physical and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. Went for a drive along the shores of Lake Erie, but everywhere I go, we'd been there together. No relief. Came back home, and started delivering food to neighbours. Shame for it to go to waste. Thank heavens that my dogs are such a comfort to me.

Such is my tale. Another day passes.

Over and out

67,9 kg Do tej pory straciłeś: 51,8 kg.    Wciąż do stracenia: 4,4 kg.    Zastosowanie diety: Słabe.

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1252 kcal

Tłusz: 35,02g | Białk: 136,96g | Węglo: 91,74g.   Śniadanie: GNC Wheybolic Classic Vanilla, Orgain Organic Protein Plant Based Protein Powder Creamy Chocolate Fudge. Lunch: Wegmans Cooked Shrimp, Marketside Caesar Salad. Obiad: Wal-Mart Fresh Pineapple. Przekąski/Inne: Liberte Mediterranee Coconut Yogurt, Clementines. więcej...