Dziennik suechru

I know, I know, I cheated! I was supposed to wait until Monday but I was curious and yaaaay lowest number yet!

I've decided I will go back to logging but probably not for another week at least.

I needed the break. I am not apologetic for it. Sure, I want to be goal weight now but I refuse to stress myself out trying to make it happen. (Plus, hello, losing that kind of weight too quickly is dangerous.) I've probably been more maintaining/plateau depending on the day and you know what, that's fine.

Considering what I've been going through lately it's great that I haven't put on 10 lbs from stress. (Per the unofficial weigh in this morning, I'm pretty much steady.) At some point the scale will start moving again but right now this is NOT my biggest concern.

I'm working insane hours, I've decided to tough it out with the class from hell and the semester end is approaching in a month. I'm so stressed that I've pushed myself into having physical symptoms. I need to step back from things because too much attention on numbers while I'm under this kind of stress will NOT lead me anywhere good.

Sure, I'd like to be at my second goal by now and was kind of expecting I'd be getting close to it. Plans change though, life happens. I can't control the scale and I'm not going to stress myself counting everything when I already feel like my life is spinning out of control. I'm going into survival mode for the next month.

Come spring semester I'm taking way less classes (3 - but 1 only runs for a month.) I'm also cutting way back on the volunteering and nine billion other things I've been trying to do. I'm hoping this will help be more manageable. It does look right now that I'm going to be working next semester (and not laid off in January like I was worried about) so I need to find some more balance.

I need to stop trying to be superwoman and stop trying to be perfect. I don't need to have a 4.0 or do everything at once. I found this article today which just is so fitting for right now.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/11/01/give.up.perfection/index.html?hpt=C2

If I'm not enough now at 235ish without the MBA, I'm not going to be enough at 165 with an MBA. The pressure has to stop. I can't control the world. I can't eliminate all uncertainty, no matter what I do. I can work hard and create opportunities for myself but I can't get rid of the uncertainty right now.

I'm off from work this weekend - mostly because of the fire I mentioned in my last entry. We'll apparently be open on Monday but with the electrical fire the power won't be on over the weekend and I'm assuming they also want to air things out. This is kind of a blessing for me because I probably would've worked overtime both today and tomorrow otherwise.

Yes, even with being sick this week and possibly giving myself an ulcer and the nine billion other things I have to do I still would've worked overtime. This is exactly what's wrong with me. I push myself way way too hard. A few of my buddies have hit very big milestones lately in pounds lost and I'm proud of them and a little jealous. Mostly, I keep thinking "well, if you'd done x you'd have hit a goal too.."

And I need to stop that. I need to stop being so damn hard on myself. I'm doing a schedule most people who DON'T have the kind of history I have can't keep up with and I'm holding on and don't think that's enough because I haven't lost another fifteen pounds and am not acing all my classes.

My life has turned completely upside down in the last four months with going from unemployed to working, taking so many classes, the new lifestyle, volunteering and everything else. I can't be everywhere and everything to everyone. I'm awesome even if I'm not perfect.

Affirmations for today:
1) There's a very big difference between self improvement and perfection.

2) It's okay to be human

3) I can't compare myself to others when they're not in the same exact situations.

4) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life.

Losing weight and getting fit will save your life in ways you don't think about.

For example, today there was a fire at work. No one was hurt but I had to evacuate from the 4th floor via stairs - a lot easier now that I've lost some weight and take the stairs a lot.

After waiting around in the parking lot they eventually sent everyone home due to the smell and lack of power in the building. We were allowed back in to get our things if we took the stairs at the other side of the building (for the record, opposite my side - which is where the fire was.) I work on the 4th floor and walked up with two very thin coworkers - one of whom was complaining about the climb and noted how out of shape she was. I do this climb at least twice a day so it was no sweat. On the way up, I saw a lady paused in the staircase trying to catch her breath because she couldn't keep climbing.

What if it was a real emergency? If I had to run for my life, I'm sure I could - or at least would stand a very good shot at surviving now. Back in July I don't think I would've. I would've been heaved over somewhere in the staircase.

On one of the groups here (I forget which one) there's a thread about reasons to lose weight and someone said they want to outrun the zombies. I think I stand a pretty good chance with the zombies these days. :)

And on that note, since I'm home and it's still light out (and nice out), I'm going jogging.

More later.

Measurement time!

I know I said no numbers, but in case the scale doesn't actually budge I wanted some kind of proof I'm making progress and here we go:

Measurements (Oct 2010)
Waist: 37 1/2" (- 3/4")
Hips: 47" (- 1 1/2")
Right thigh (widest part) 24 1/2" (- 2.75")
Left thigh (widest part) 25" (- 3")
Right bicep (widest part) 12 1/2" (- .5")
Left bicep (widest part) 13" (no change)

(drumroll please)

Measurements (Nov 2010)
Waist: 35" (- 2.25")
Hips: 46 1/2" (- 2")
Right thigh (widest part) 24" (- 3.25")
Left thigh (widest part) 24.5 " (- 3.5")
Right bicep (widest part) 12 1/2" (- .5")
Left bicep (widest part) 13" (no change)

The numbers in parenthesis are the change since Sept 2010, the first month I was brave enough to actually take measurements. I can pretty much say that I'm a solid size 18 now (with the exception of Old Navy which just runs huge.) I am comforted by knowing that there's a definite downward trend. Plus I might be fat still but I am curvy (officially 46 - 35 - 46.5) so at least I'm somewhat balanced, lol.

So I'm feeling better today, thankfully. Still some discomfort but mild compared to what I was dealing with yesterday.

I ended up going falling asleep last night from 6 pm until 4 am this morning. I needed the rest obviously but wow. I'll keep an eye on things and see about making an appointment for a check up anyway (I'm overdue really.) But right now, things seem to be manageable.

It looks now that I have a very good chance of at least having my contract extended at work past February as I was just put on a project that goes into 2012. I won't know anything really for certain either way until January but it would be a huge huge relief there.

Speaking of work, I wore a pair of size 16 (!!!) corduoroys from Old Navy today to work. Size 16! When I couldn't even fit into size 20s back in the spring. So nice to NOT be wearing the absolute largest size a store offers. I can't even begin to describe that.

I have no idea what my weight is right now, I last weighed myself weeks ago and it was up because TOM was due so I didn't record it. I'm going to just go with my original thought of getting on the scale on Monday but we'll see what actually the number comes out to be. Although, if I gained like ten pounds I'm going to be PISSED. (Particularly as I barely ate the last two days from the stomach problems.)

Anyway, gotta get some stuff done around here.

Affirmations for today:
1) Patience is a virtue for a reason - it's not an easy thing to achieve.

2) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life