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15 listopada 2010

Well, my weight loss is FINALLY visible to me.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror today and was surprised. I don't know if it's the fact that my XL sweater is big or that somehow my upper belly area toned up a little recently or what exactly but I was really surprised at the reflection today. I looked like an overweight person sure, but not not someone who was huge. Not someone who was grossly unhealthy. Someone who actually, dare I say it, falls within the realm of normal (and yes, I hate that term.) Someone who if you saw on the street, you probably wouldn't be staring at for being so big. (And no, that probably didn't happen too much at 272 but it felt like it did.)

I'm noticing things I haven't seen in years. When I used to look in the mirror (and I used to avoid mirrors whenever I could) I would just see rolls and rolls of fat - fat everywhere. Now, I'm noticing my hips coming out a lot more. I'd say I was crazy on that but my waist has shrunk a LOT and I naturally have big hips. I'm starting to see hints of actual curves.

I'm wearing a really nice pair of size 18 pants today with a size XL sweater from Old Navy and can I say, I'm really not an XL in a lot of their tops anymore? My sweater is really baggy and I JUST bought it a few weeks ago. I actually had the thought "Wow, I really could wear this in the next size smaller" when I put it on this morning. It's weird, my mind was stuck at me being over 250 lbs for the longest time and it seems somehow it's finally caught up with my body.

I'm very excited for that 5K walk. I know it's kinda lame but I'm thinking I'm going to buy a pair of new work out pants for it (I need a new pair since so many of mine are big now). I'm betting I can probably also buy a large since so many XLs are too big on me now. This walk is the start (or rather next step) in something really big for me. I hope to do this same 5K next year and run it (or at least jog it.) I'm not going to put pressure on myself or make a firm deadline but I'm hoping for goal #2 by New Year's. It might be sooner than that but the last thing I need now is more pressure.

I started the process today to drop the class from hell. I feel bad about it but I keep telling myself that it's not a crime to withdraw from a class and given my recent schedule (Overtime at work for the rest of the year), the crazy events of the past year and how damn tired I am, it's the best thing to do. Graduating in May 2012 would be nice but I need to be realistic because it really does take most people who do this program part-time 4 years to finish (and the school gives us 8 to complete), and most of these people haven't been dealing with the mountain of stress I have this year. I don't think it's normally to be so tired at times that I literally can't see straight. That can't be healthy for me in the long run.

So while a part of my brain is saying "Go! Go! Go! Sign up for something else now that you have time! Just keep going!" I am forcing myself to step back, regroup and recover.

Affirmations for today:
1) There's a big difference between taking a break and quitting

2) Sometimes winning isn't finishing first. Sometimes winning is just finishing.

3) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life.

(4 komentarze)

15 listopada 2010

I just signed up for a 5K!

Now, before everyone gets all excited, I signed up to WALK a 5K because there's no way in freaking hell I can run one (particularly this one as it's oh, next month.) I pretty much walk the equivalent of a 5K or more when I work out so I should be able to do it. It's for a really good cause though, the registration fee is a new toy for a needy local child. Plus, it's being sponsored by my school so it's what pushed me over.

I have to admit that even WITH this kind of setting I'm worried about being in the worst shape of anyone there. (Although, I thought that for Light the Night and Step Out for Diabetes and had no trouble with either of those.) I just picture all these super skinny super fit undergrads and then me. I know, I'm being irrational on that.

This is really the "get my feet wet" for more serious walks/runs in the future. All I hope is that I don't come in absolute dead last, lol.

(5 komentarze)

14 listopada 2010

"Eh, it's only 18 blocks"

I really can't believe that walking 18 blocks is nothing to me these days but it's really nothing. I went into the city to see a show and from where I came in at Penn (31st and 8th) to the theater (49th st) was 18 blocks. Normally, I would've hopped the subway to Times Square for that kind of distance and then walked the remaining few blocks hating my life but it was 1) A really nice day for November and 2) I was wearing sneakers since I know not to wear uncomfortable shoes in New York.

Walked the 18 blocks which I just mapped out to be about a mile. Why is it when I'm the city I have no problem walking a mile but doing it out in the suburbs where I live seems to be such a pain? I mean, I like to walk, even with the shin injury I find it interesting because you SEE so much more of stuff when you walk, but when I'm home I'm basically in the car for most things. It took months to break me of the habit of moving my car to the other end of a large shopping center while driving. (Which now I no longer look for the closest space and have no problem strolling around large shopping centers.)

And there I go beating myself up for not walking more places at home. Yes, it's something to definitely think about it and put into my list of things to do but I'm also glossing over the fact that I'm in such better shape than I used to be that walking a mile each way is nothing to me. If my shin wasn't still sore from yesterday I would've wandered around the city a lot more, but I didn't want to be on it TOO much. (I really overdid things yesterday, the entire last mile of my workout hurt.)

I always say "Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life" and I do think at least a lot of thoughts and habits changed. For example, in the show I saw "Fela!" (for those interested, it is AWESOME) there were some amazing dancers doing some really wild dances and I found myself thinking (beyond being in awe of the dancing) "Wow, I wonder what kind of shape you need to be in to dance like that for seven performances a week." I mean, five minutes of it would wipe me out (and even for them it seemed taxing as they were sweating up a storm) but I found myself wondering if they carboload before performances to be able to do that. I probably wouldn't have thought about that a few months ago, I'm sure I would've just envied how thin and pretty they are but I noticed different things like muscles and strength and thought that was pretty awesome.

I don't know how but the size XL shirt I wore today is so big I had to throw it in my "too damn big" bag to donate. It's a purple V neck t-shirt that I bought back in late summer and it's now so big I had to keep pulling it up on the train home. (I had a jacket on over it all day and knew it was big but not that big.) It's from Old Navy and I have a sneaking suspicion I might now be a large in some of their tops. That's not something I can quite wrap my head around since I've worn only XXL and XL stuff from there for the past few years. I know when I finally get into something that's a medium it'll blow my mind.

Anyway, had a good day and I desperately needed to get away from home and school and my general stress for the day which definitely helped. I know I'm really damn lucky to be able to hop a train and go see a broadway show.

Affirmations for today:
1) Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Focus on the moment

2) I need to stop and acknowledge the good as well as the bad and not be so hard on myself

3) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life.

(2 komentarze)

14 listopada 2010

I really really really need to start cutting myself some more slack.

Tonight I came to the conclusion that I'm going to have to drop the class from hell and I was really upset by it. I hate dropping classes and quitting anything. Thing is, I just don't have the energy to even scrape by with a C and I can't figure out what the hell is going on in that class. I know I've been burned out. I hit the wall in terms of what I can do. Almost every one of my status updates in the last week have been my questioning why I'm doing an MBA, bemoaning my lack of sleep or me grouching about something.

I swear I have a sense of humor. I used to be funny and random. The thing is while my life is good these days, it's worn me out. Since July 2009, I've lost two jobs (no, I did not lose my current job, I'm still employed I'm talking before this position.) My perm position that I lost was such a messy situation there was some legal action (I can't go into details.), then unemployment, the economy, starting school my MBA, my ongoing financial mess (which I'm only now starting to pull myself out of.), a major car accident in May (Where someone hit my car so hard it had to be towed away and cost over $4K in damages), finding the current job, the ongoing temp situation (with no paid time off or benefits), recovering from my own depression/anxiety (and the ongoing stuff I still have to do to watch for that), picking up a new volunteer opportunity, falling out with close friends, my ex getting married (that one hurt btw), having my license suspended because the DMV in NJ is stupid (long story but it involved multiple trips to traffic court), my complete lack of a dating life, new responsibilities in student government at school, turning 30 and then all of this with the massive lifestyle change.

I took the life stress questionnaire thingy (will post a link if anyone's interested.) Apparently if you score over 300 you're at risk for stress related illnesses.

I scored a 518.

So duh, of COURSE, I'm tired. OF COURSE, I'm overwhelmed. Of course, I need to step back. This is apparently obvious to everyone but me. At the same time, I've done freaking phenomenal when you consider all the crap that I've had to deal with. My biggest issue is being tired and having to drop a grad class. Seriously. If THAT'S my biggest problem after that kind of year then... well, that's pretty damn super when you think about it. I always get told that I'm a survivor but don't think that much of it until it gets all laid out like this. That's really kind of awesome. I even lost 40lbs on top of this.

So kindness, patience. Yeah, I might not graduate in May 2012, but I will graduate even if it's a few months later. I'm still doing well in my other classes (got a 91 on my finance midterm and an A- in my ethics class.)

Going to step back and try to find some balance. One class for the rest of the semester and a lighter load for spring. I'm sure I'll go back to my full-steam take on the world again rate at some point but I need to recharge before I can do that.

Heading into the city tomorrow (or rather later today since it's kinda late here) since I managed to get a cheap ticket to a show and I'm just going to hang and enjoy myself.

(2 komentarze)

13 listopada 2010

The 220s are coming.

Soon. Very soon, in fact.

I caved this morning and weighed in a little early since I was curious and I AM down - which just proves to me that my little experiment seems to be working. I don't know why but somehow this seems to be working for me mentally better right now. It might be my stress level it might just be that it helped me break through a plateau. I'm not sure but I'm going to go another week without actually logging and see what happens.

I AM exercising but I'm focusing more on beating my own records for time when I go out or to gain endurance than "OMG, how many calories did that just burn???" I think that's better for me, both now and in the long run.

There was some kind of weird problem with my ticker/account before but it seems to be corrected now (I hope.) I'm not going to put pressure on myself to reach goal #2 but I know it is getting closer now and that I'm within 10lbs of it. I was originally thinking this would happen by Thanksgiving but if it does by the end of the year that'd be great. I don't think 10lbs by Christmas is that unrealistic/unachievable.

I mean, sure it'd be great if more happens but I'm going to stress or berate myself to get under 200 by New Year's Eve. It's not the end of the world if I'm 210, 220 or even 230 then. Onderland and all that comes with it IS going to come and relatively soon (within six months, I'm sure of that much) but I'm not going to make the rest of my life miserable to get there.

Because really, life is what happens while you're making other plans. I can miss out on now, because I want to be at some later goal and discount everything I've done up to now but you know what, I'm enough. Me, today, as I am. I'm enough. My worth isn't the number on the scale, the size of my jeans, what job I have, how much I make or how many degrees I have.

So I can push myself to be the best, the brightest, the skinniest, the "biggest loser" (if you will). Or I can try and have fun along the way. I went to the farmer's market today and I had a cider donut. I haven't had a donut probably since July. I love the cider donuts made by this local orchard and I wanted one. So I had it. I didn't buy a giant bag to take home or any extra, but I had my donut and because I did, I had no problem walking past the ice cream later at the dairy. I can't tell you how many times I would've been swayed by the ice cream because I deprived myself of the donut and then come home and had at least half a pint. I didn't want ice cream though today, I wanted a donut.

And I'm not saying I want to nor should eat a donut every day (and obviously not a bag of donuts myself like I used to) but I think it's a sad kind of lifestyle when you can't have a donut once in a while. I also know that in stressful times for myself personally, I can't keep certain things in the house (like ice cream). Sure, I might start stress eating at some point but I'm going to do less damage if I don't have the bad stuff at home in easy reach. Why make it harder for myself?

Affirmations for today:
1) It's good to have goals for when you want things to happen but you can't make anything happen on a certain timeline.

2) I'm enough as I am at this moment in time

3) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life.

(3 komentarze)

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